Joke: Neglect

Boss: “Who said that just because I kissed you at the company party, you could neglect to do your work around here?”

Secretary: “My lawyer!”

Joke: Post It

Postman: "I have to come five miles to deliver you this packet."

Farmer: "Why did you come so far? You could have posted it!"

Joke: Women in the military

The North Koreans now have women in the military.

In times of war, all the general has to do, is tell the women on the front line: ‘"You see the enemy over there?
 
They say you look fat and ugly in these uniforms!"

Joke: Ants in the soup

Restaurant Manager: "Why are you looking worried?"

Chef: "There are lot of ants in soup and other cooked food. What to do?"

Restaurant Manager: "Don’t worry, we'll announce that today we are having a Chinese Food festival!’

Joke: Liar!

Politician: "My opponent has called me a liar. I have never lied to you.

The problem is that the facts don't always match up with what I say!"

Joke: Criminal Mind

Son: “Dad, the career counsellor said that with a mind like mine I should study criminal law.”

Father: “That is wonderful son! But what made him say that?”

Son: “He said I had a criminal mind!”

Joke: I've seen that

Private investigator (P.I.): "I saw your wife with a unknown man going to a movie."

Husband: "Didn't you follow them?"

P.I.: "No! I had already seen that movie!"

Joke: Bang It!

Senior lawyer: “When you have facts, bang on the facts; when you have figures, bang on the figures.”

Junior lawyer: “What if we don’t have either the facts or the figures?”

Senior lawyer: “Then, just bang on the table!”

Joke: Charity

A doctor and a lawyer are asked to share a deceased client’s wealth and give some to charity.

The doctor does so.

The lawyer throws some cash upwards saying, “What stays up is God’s. Whatever falls on the ground is mine!”

Joke: Better to give than to receive

Boy: “My father says that it is always better to give than to receive.”

Girl: “Wow! Is your father a pastor?”

Boy: “No! He is a professional boxer!”

Joke: The Recession

The midst of recession. Everywhere there are lay-offs and pay cuts. 

One executive says to his boss: "I know why you always complaining at my work. You want to fire me,so when they cut your position you get mine!"

Joke: The Golfers

Two men were leaving church on a Sunday. 

The first friend said: "I can always tell who the golfers are in church." 

His friend asked: "How's that?"

He replied: "Just look at who is praying with an interlocking grip!"

Joke: Golfer & Fisherman

Q: What's the difference between a golfer and a fisherman?

A: When a golfer lies. he doesn't have to bring anything home to prove it!

Joke: Not a Quitter!

HR manager to job applicant:

"You've been fired from seven jobs. What have you to say?"

The applicant replies: "That shows that I`m not a quitter!"

Joke: Big Lorenzo

Big Lorenzo, an Italian bragged: "I proud of my son. He makes five million dollars a year. He’s a Sports Mechanic!" 

A friend asks: "What's that?" 

Lorenzo replies: "Well, he can fix the horse races; he fixes the boxing matches.......!"

Joke: Gambling Problem

He went to the casino for the first time. He saw a sign: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER." 

So he dialled the number and asked:

"I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

Joke: Spare Parts

The supervisor in an auto mechanic shop, was on waiting list for a heart transplant.

One day the phone rang and the receptionist answered.

It was the hospital with good news.

“Sam,” she yelled. “Your spare parts are in!”

Joke: Inferiority Complex in the Army

The private went to the army psychiatrist and complained: “I have an inferiority complex.” 

The psychiatrist told him: “In the Army, privates don’t have an inferiority complex… they’re just inferior!”

Joke: The Archaeologist

"An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her!"

Joke: Juror Duty

Judge: "Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?"

Juror: "I don’t want to be away from my job that long." 

Judge: "Can’t they do without you at work?"

Juror: "Yes,they can but I don’t want them to know it!"