Joke: Tough World

A man tells his friend, “This is a tough world, so I’m teaching my boy to fight.”

Friend: “But suppose he comes up against someone much bigger than he is and is a fighter too?”

The man replies: “Oh! I’m teaching him how to run also!”

Joke: Confident and Confidential

Son: "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"

Dad: "You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential!"

Joke: 'Red' Ferrari

Edna: "So what did you get your husband for his fiftieth birthday?"

Alice: "Oh, see that brand new 'red' Ferrari outside?"

Edna: "Wow!"

Alice: "Yes! I got the same exact color tie!"

Joke: Garden of Eden

A women’s lib speaker was addressing a large group and kept screaming, “Where would man be today if it were not for woman?”

From the back of the room came a voice, “He’d be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries!”

Joke: Bank withdrawal

This obnoxious lady went into a bank and announced, “I want to withdraw some money.”

The cashier said, “Can you identify yourself!”

The woman took out the mirror, looked at herself and said, “It’s me, all right!”

Joke: Six vs Eight

So cute... Two young boys went to buy a pizza and the sales lady asked:
“Do you want it cut into six or eight pieces?”

One boy answered, “Six is fine. Eight will be too many for us!”

Joke: Bull Fish

Jerry: “I’ve eaten beef all my life and now I’m as strong as a bull.”

Paul: “That's funny!. I’ve eaten fish all my life and yet I can’t swim!”

Joke: I can't marry you

Young man: "I can’t marry you! My family is totally against it!"

Girl: "Who are they to stop you?"

Young man: "My wife and two kids!"

Joke: One vs Three

Three ants find an elephant asleep.
One says,”We’ll kill him!”

Another says: ”We’ll break his legs!”

The third one advises: "Let's leave him alone. He is only one and there are three of us!"

Joke: Gather your belongings

Airline's announcement:
“As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses!”

Joke: Marry the Enemy

From his death bed, the man told his wife, “After I die I want you to marry Joseph.”

The wife exclaimed: “But he is your worst enemy!”

The man replied: “Yes, I know! But I’ve suffered all these years; so let him suffer now!”

Joke: Spend wisely

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did!

Joke: Funeral Arrangements

Wife to Husband: “If I die, I want you to promise me, in the funeral procession, you’ll let my mother ride in the first car with you.”

Husband: “All right, but it will ruin my day!”

Joke: The Senility Prayer

THE SENILITY PRAYER..........
"God, grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, 
the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, 
and the eyesight to tell the difference!"

Joke: Darling ...

Husband "Darling, do you hear me?"

Wife: "What happened, did you run out of toilet paper?"

Husband: "No, restart the router, please!"

Joke: Getting Ideas

Two top managers were chatting over drinks:

First one: "I often get ideas when in bed. So I take a pen and note book to bed."

Second one: "Me too! That's why I take my secretary with me to bed!"

Joke: Library

In a New York cafe: 

Busy Indian waiter: "What would you like to eat sir?" 

British customer: "I need some time. I would prefer to read the menu first."

Busy Indian waiter: "If you want to read sir, please go to the library!"

Joke: I am your father!

The lawyer meets a lady at a dinner and she tells him: "I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

He pleads: “Please don’t tell my wife, she’ll kill me!"

She calmly says: “Don’t worry! I am your son’s Math teacher!”

Joke: I Know You

Judge: “I know you, don't I?”

Defendant: “Yes.”

Judge: “All right, tell me, how do I know you?”

Defendant: “I am your bookie!”

Joke: Criminal Mind

Son: “Dad, the career counsellor said that with a mind like mine I should study criminal law.”

Father: “That is wonderful son! But what made him say that?”

Son: “He said I had a criminal mind!”