Joke: Missing

One drunk tells another: "My best friend ran away with my wife. It's only been four days and I am already missing him!"

Joke: A long life

Doctor gravely: “If you want to enjoy a long life, each time you feel like a drink of liquor, eat an apple instead.”

Drunk: “Sorry Doc, But I couldn’t digest so many apples!”

Inspiration: You're There

A statement so profound from a drunker philosopher:

"No matter where you go, you're there!"

Joke: Microwave Pin

Doctor: "How did you know that your husband was drunk?"

Wife "He was trying to open the microwave using his pin number!”

Joke: The Broom

The drunk came home late after a night out and found his wife waiting with broom. 

He asked her: “Are you still sweeping or going flying on the broom!”

That’s when she began to hit him!

Joke: Three months

Drunk: "I haven’t spoken to my wife for three months.”

Drunkard:“Three months! How come?”

Drunk: “Well, it seems rude to interrupt her!”

Joke: Jealousy

Drunk: “Why did the supervisor fire you?” 

Drunkard: “Well, he is the one always sitting and watching the workers. He got jealous when people thought I was the supervisor just because I too sat and watched others working!”

Joke: Face to face with a lion

Drunk: “I came face to face with a lion once. I was alone and without a gun.”

Friend: “My God! What did you then do?”

Drunk: “Oh this was at a zoo! I left him and went on to another cage!"

Joke: Amazing Watch

Drunk: "I've got an amazing watch. It cost me only 50 cents!"

Friend: "What's so amazing?"

Drunk: "Every time I look at it, I'm amazed it's still working!"

Joke: PRESS

At a news briefing, a female press reporter slapped a drunk. 

A man asked the drunk, "Why did she slap you?" 

He replied: "On her T-shirt over her chest, it was written 'PRESS', ...so I pressed!"

Joke: High-5

A drunk arrested for slapping his wife told the police officer:
"I didn't slap her, I just high-fived her face!"

Joke: A Drunkard's Explanation ...

A cop stops a drunk at four in the morning and asks, “Can you explain why you are out at this hour?” 

The drunk replies “If I could come up with a reasonable explanation for my wife, I would have been home by now!”

Joke: Drunk at an accident

A drunk was walking down the street at tree in the morning when he saw two cars crashing into each other. Rushing over he said, “I saw everything! I can take either side!”

Joke: Nice trouble

Every night he came back drunk.
Her friend suggested "Be nice to him and he might change."
So one night, she welcomed him with a kiss and said: "Let’s go to bed, I’ll be nice to you!"
He said, "Might as well, I’ll get into trouble if I go home."

Joke: Mistaken Identity

A fierce looking man enters the pub and shouts, "Is there a Samuel here?" A small sized man responds, "I am Samuel!" Whereupon, the big man beats him up and leaves. The small man smiles and announces, "I fooled him! I’m not Samuel!"

Joke: Mode of Payment

A drunk woman leapt into a taxi stark naked. Ramesh, the Indian cab driver refused to move. She asked, "Never seen a naked woman before? What are you thinking?" Ramesh replied, "Well, I'm seeing and I'm thinking; where are you keeping the money for paying me?!"