Joke: A long life

Doctor gravely: “If you want to enjoy a long life, each time you feel like a drink of liquor, eat an apple instead.”

Drunk: “Sorry Doc, But I couldn’t digest so many apples!”

Joke: Pen and Pencil

Man rings up the Doctor at 11pm and says, “My son has swallowed my ball pen, what shall I do?” 

The irritated Doctor replies “Use a pencil!”

Joke: The Appointment

The Doctor tells the patient to come back in three months for a follow up and the patient says, “I might be dead by then.”

Doctor replies, “Then you can cancel the appointment!”

Joke: Sleeping Pills

Doc: "Madam, your husband needs rest and peace; here are some sleeping pills"

Wife: "When must I give them to him?"

Doc: "They are for you!"

Joke: Spare Parts

The supervisor in an auto mechanic shop, was on waiting list for a heart transplant.

One day the phone rang and the receptionist answered.

It was the hospital with good news.

“Sam,” she yelled. “Your spare parts are in!”

Joke: Notify who?

This elderly lady goes to the hospital for an operation.

A nurse asks her, "In case of you are very sick, whom should we notify?"

The lady replied, "If I become very sick, notify a doctor!"

Joke: Female Dentist

"I like to see a woman dentist,” said the man. 

“Why?” asked his friend.

The man replied, "Because it would be a pleasure to have a woman say, 'open your mouth' instead of 'shut up'!"

Joke: Plastic Surgery

Patient: "What is the cost of plastic surgery?"

Doctor: "It is about $6,000."

Patient: "Well, what if I bring the plastic?"

Joke: Headache

Man: "Doctor! My wooden leg is giving me a headache!"

Doctor: "Why?"

Man: "Because my wife keeps hitting me on the head with it!"

Joke: The New Born

Husband: "Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?"

Doctor: "When the kid goes to college!"

Joke: Diet Change

Doctor interviewing a nurse: "What would you do in the case of a person who has eaten poisonous food?"

Nurse: "Recommend a change of diet!"

Joke: The Consequences

An elderly gentleman was awaiting an operation that his son, a surgeon was about to perform.

He whispered to his son: “Do your best and just remember, that if I die, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife!”

Joke: Types of Therapy

The elderly couple was at the physiotherapist’s office. He was staring at the young women passing by. He turned around and caught his wife looking at him. He smiled and said, "I'm having visual therapy!"

Joke: Cancer & AIDS

A man is dying of cancer. 

His son asked him: “Dad, why do you keep telling people you are dying of AIDS?”
The dad replied: “So that when I’m dead, no one will dare touch your mum!"

Joke: High Blood Pressure

He was diagnosed with high blood pressure. 

The doctor asked, “Your mum’s side or dad’s side?” 

He said, "Neither, my wife’s side!" 

The doctor exclaimed, “That's impossible!” 

He replied, “You should meet them; then you'll know!”

Joke: Uninsured Circumcision

When the insurance company refused to pay for his newborn son’s circumcision, he got a letter explaining its logic. Under the procedure "Circumcision" was written "Unable to locate member."

Joke: Beers & Pretzels

Two nuns decided to buy some beers.
One nun told the cashier. "This is for washing our hair."
The cashier put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
He then said, "The 'curlers' are on me!"

Joke: The doctor and the vet

He went to the cardiologist after experiencing symptoms of a heart attack.
He told the nurse, "I took our cat to the vet and while there, my chest got tight and I had trouble breathing!"
The nurse asked, "So, how was the cat?"

Joke: Dentist and a caring husband

He asks the Dentist how much to extract wisdom teeth.
Dentist replies, "Eighty dollars."
The man asks, "Isn't there a cheaper rate?"
Dentist says, "If my student does it, then it is only $10."
The man exclaims, "Marvellous! Book my wife for next Tuesday!"

Joke: Doctor doctor ...

Five-year-old Becky told the census taker that her father, a Doctor wasn't home because he was performing an 'appendectomy'. The census taker said, "That is a big word. Do you know what it means?" She replied, "Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"