Joke: Need help?

Two Irishmen driving in Nevada saw a huge sign: “Need help, call Jesus - 1-800-005-3787.”

Out of curiosity one of them dialed that number. A Mexican showed up with a tow truck!

Joke: A Husband's complaint

One husband complained to another:
“You can’t imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife. She asks me a question; answers it herself and after that, she explains to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong!”

Joke: Shakespeare

Teacher: “Would Shakespeare be a great man if he were still alive today?”

Student: “Of course! He must be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over 400 years!”

Joke: Wrong Finger

At a party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”

The other replied, “Yes! I married the wrong man.”

Joke: A Lady & a Gentleman

Lady: “Did you open the door for me because I am a lady?”

Man: “No, I did because I am a gentleman!”

Joke: Tough World

A man tells his friend, “This is a tough world, so I’m teaching my boy to fight.”

Friend: “But suppose he comes up against someone much bigger than he is and is a fighter too?”

The man replies: “Oh! I’m teaching him how to run also!”

Joke: Neglect

Boss: “Who said that just because I kissed you at the company party, you could neglect to do your work around here?”

Secretary: “My lawyer!”

Joke: It's good

Teacher: "If you eat fish?"

Student: "It's good for my eyes."

Teacher: "If you don't eat fish?"

Student: "It's good for the fish!"

Joke: Confident and Confidential

Son: "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"

Dad: "You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential!"

Joke: Missing

One drunk tells another: "My best friend ran away with my wife. It's only been four days and I am already missing him!"

Joke: 'Red' Ferrari

Edna: "So what did you get your husband for his fiftieth birthday?"

Alice: "Oh, see that brand new 'red' Ferrari outside?"

Edna: "Wow!"

Alice: "Yes! I got the same exact color tie!"

Joke: A long life

Doctor gravely: “If you want to enjoy a long life, each time you feel like a drink of liquor, eat an apple instead.”

Drunk: “Sorry Doc, But I couldn’t digest so many apples!”

Joke: Garden of Eden

A women’s lib speaker was addressing a large group and kept screaming, “Where would man be today if it were not for woman?”

From the back of the room came a voice, “He’d be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries!”

Joke: Bank withdrawal

This obnoxious lady went into a bank and announced, “I want to withdraw some money.”

The cashier said, “Can you identify yourself!”

The woman took out the mirror, looked at herself and said, “It’s me, all right!”

Joke: Six vs Eight

So cute... Two young boys went to buy a pizza and the sales lady asked:
“Do you want it cut into six or eight pieces?”

One boy answered, “Six is fine. Eight will be too many for us!”

Joke: Bull Fish

Jerry: “I’ve eaten beef all my life and now I’m as strong as a bull.”

Paul: “That's funny!. I’ve eaten fish all my life and yet I can’t swim!”

Joke: Is this my train?

This from India:..........
Lady: "Is this my train?"

Station Master: "No, it belongs to the Railway Company."

Lady: "I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi?"

Station Master: "No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy!"

Joke: I can't marry you

Young man: "I can’t marry you! My family is totally against it!"

Girl: "Who are they to stop you?"

Young man: "My wife and two kids!"