Joke: Need help?

Two Irishmen driving in Nevada saw a huge sign: “Need help, call Jesus - 1-800-005-3787.”

Out of curiosity one of them dialed that number. A Mexican showed up with a tow truck!

Joke: A Husband's complaint

One husband complained to another:
“You can’t imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife. She asks me a question; answers it herself and after that, she explains to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong!”

Joke: Shakespeare

Teacher: “Would Shakespeare be a great man if he were still alive today?”

Student: “Of course! He must be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over 400 years!”

Joke: Wrong Finger

At a party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”

The other replied, “Yes! I married the wrong man.”

Joke: A Lady & a Gentleman

Lady: “Did you open the door for me because I am a lady?”

Man: “No, I did because I am a gentleman!”

Joke: Tough World

A man tells his friend, “This is a tough world, so I’m teaching my boy to fight.”

Friend: “But suppose he comes up against someone much bigger than he is and is a fighter too?”

The man replies: “Oh! I’m teaching him how to run also!”

Joke: Neglect

Boss: “Who said that just because I kissed you at the company party, you could neglect to do your work around here?”

Secretary: “My lawyer!”

Joke: It's good

Teacher: "If you eat fish?"

Student: "It's good for my eyes."

Teacher: "If you don't eat fish?"

Student: "It's good for the fish!"

Joke: Confident and Confidential

Son: "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"

Dad: "You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential!"

Joke: Missing

One drunk tells another: "My best friend ran away with my wife. It's only been four days and I am already missing him!"

Joke: 'Red' Ferrari

Edna: "So what did you get your husband for his fiftieth birthday?"

Alice: "Oh, see that brand new 'red' Ferrari outside?"

Edna: "Wow!"

Alice: "Yes! I got the same exact color tie!"

Joke: A long life

Doctor gravely: “If you want to enjoy a long life, each time you feel like a drink of liquor, eat an apple instead.”

Drunk: “Sorry Doc, But I couldn’t digest so many apples!”

Joke: Garden of Eden

A women’s lib speaker was addressing a large group and kept screaming, “Where would man be today if it were not for woman?”

From the back of the room came a voice, “He’d be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries!”

Joke: Bank withdrawal

This obnoxious lady went into a bank and announced, “I want to withdraw some money.”

The cashier said, “Can you identify yourself!”

The woman took out the mirror, looked at herself and said, “It’s me, all right!”

Joke: Six vs Eight

So cute... Two young boys went to buy a pizza and the sales lady asked:
“Do you want it cut into six or eight pieces?”

One boy answered, “Six is fine. Eight will be too many for us!”

Joke: Bull Fish

Jerry: “I’ve eaten beef all my life and now I’m as strong as a bull.”

Paul: “That's funny!. I’ve eaten fish all my life and yet I can’t swim!”

Joke: Is this my train?

This from India:..........
Lady: "Is this my train?"

Station Master: "No, it belongs to the Railway Company."

Lady: "I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi?"

Station Master: "No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy!"

Joke: I can't marry you

Young man: "I can’t marry you! My family is totally against it!"

Girl: "Who are they to stop you?"

Young man: "My wife and two kids!"

Joke: Post It

Postman: "I have to come five miles to deliver you this packet."

Farmer: "Why did you come so far? You could have posted it!"

Joke: One vs Three

Three ants find an elephant asleep.
One says,”We’ll kill him!”

Another says: ”We’ll break his legs!”

The third one advises: "Let's leave him alone. He is only one and there are three of us!"

Joke: Gather your belongings

Airline's announcement:
“As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses!”

Joke: Stupid vs Ugly

Husband: “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.”

Wife: "Well, God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

Joke: Me neither

Teacher: "You copied from Marvin’s exam paper didn’t you?"

James: "How did you know?"

Teacher: "Marvin’s paper says ‘I don’t know’ and you wrote ‘Me, neither’!"

Joke: Marry the Enemy

From his death bed, the man told his wife, “After I die I want you to marry Joseph.”

The wife exclaimed: “But he is your worst enemy!”

The man replied: “Yes, I know! But I’ve suffered all these years; so let him suffer now!”

Inspiration: Shelf Life

Gentle reminder:
"Beauty has a shelf life!"

Joke: Women in the military

The North Koreans now have women in the military.

In times of war, all the general has to do, is tell the women on the front line: ‘"You see the enemy over there?
 
They say you look fat and ugly in these uniforms!"

Joke: Ants in the soup

Restaurant Manager: "Why are you looking worried?"

Chef: "There are lot of ants in soup and other cooked food. What to do?"

Restaurant Manager: "Don’t worry, we'll announce that today we are having a Chinese Food festival!’

Riddle: Fast Food

Q). Why is "fast food" so called?

A). It’s called “fast food" because you’re supposed to eat it really fast. Otherwise, you might actually get the real taste of it!

Joke: Saying Grace

The Sunday school teacher asks, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"

Little Johnny replies, “No sir! I don’t have to, my mum is a good cook!”

Joke: Holding Hands

Young man: "Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?"

Elderly man: "Its a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!"

Joke: Spend wisely

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did!

Joke: Chair vs Table

Policeman: "Why did you hit your husband with a chair?”

Lady: “Because I couldn’t lift the table!"

Joke: Funeral Arrangements

Wife to Husband: “If I die, I want you to promise me, in the funeral procession, you’ll let my mother ride in the first car with you.”

Husband: “All right, but it will ruin my day!”

Joke: The Senility Prayer

THE SENILITY PRAYER..........
"God, grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, 
the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, 
and the eyesight to tell the difference!"

Joke: Absent

Father: "Why did you get such a low score in that exam?"
Son: "Absence!"
Father: "You were absent on the day of the exam?"
Son: "No but the boy who sits next to me was!"

Joke: Once upon a time ...

A little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?"
"No, sweetheart," he answered.
"Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"

Joke: Like Father ...

"If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, then, it is understandable why mothers cry so much at weddings!"

Joke: Interesting Story

Ladies, you want to hear an interesting story?

Send a message to your husband: "I know everything now! How could you?".

Riddle: Facebook

Question: "What do Facebook employees do to waste their time at work?"

Joke: Darling ...

Husband "Darling, do you hear me?"

Wife: "What happened, did you run out of toilet paper?"

Husband: "No, restart the router, please!"

Joke: The Crime

A judge asked the accused: "So, did you commit the crime in the way I have just explained?"

The criminal replied: "Actually no, but I really like your idea!"

Joke: Getting Ideas

Two top managers were chatting over drinks:

First one: "I often get ideas when in bed. So I take a pen and note book to bed."

Second one: "Me too! That's why I take my secretary with me to bed!"

Joke: Library

In a New York cafe: 

Busy Indian waiter: "What would you like to eat sir?" 

British customer: "I need some time. I would prefer to read the menu first."

Busy Indian waiter: "If you want to read sir, please go to the library!"

Joke: I am your father!

The lawyer meets a lady at a dinner and she tells him: "I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

He pleads: “Please don’t tell my wife, she’ll kill me!"

She calmly says: “Don’t worry! I am your son’s Math teacher!”

Joke: I Know You

Judge: “I know you, don't I?”

Defendant: “Yes.”

Judge: “All right, tell me, how do I know you?”

Defendant: “I am your bookie!”

Joke: Liar!

Politician: "My opponent has called me a liar. I have never lied to you.

The problem is that the facts don't always match up with what I say!"

Joke: Criminal Mind

Son: “Dad, the career counsellor said that with a mind like mine I should study criminal law.”

Father: “That is wonderful son! But what made him say that?”

Son: “He said I had a criminal mind!”

Joke: I've seen that

Private investigator (P.I.): "I saw your wife with a unknown man going to a movie."

Husband: "Didn't you follow them?"

P.I.: "No! I had already seen that movie!"

Inspiration: You're There

A statement so profound from a drunker philosopher:

"No matter where you go, you're there!"

Joke: Kiss that girl

Wife: “Every morning when our new neighbour leaves the house, he kisses the young wife goodbye and when he comes home, he gives her a hug. Why can’t you do that?”

Husband: “I do not know the girl yet!”

Joke: Microwave Pin

Doctor: "How did you know that your husband was drunk?"

Wife "He was trying to open the microwave using his pin number!”

Joke: Recycle Bin

One lady to another, "My husband is so lazy that he doesn't even empty the trash in the 'Recycle Bin' of his computer!"

Joke: Married Women

Lady: “Why don’t you take your wife when you go out?”

Man: “I do not go out with married women!”

Joke: Bang It!

Senior lawyer: “When you have facts, bang on the facts; when you have figures, bang on the figures.”

Junior lawyer: “What if we don’t have either the facts or the figures?”

Senior lawyer: “Then, just bang on the table!”

Joke: Charity

A doctor and a lawyer are asked to share a deceased client’s wealth and give some to charity.

The doctor does so.

The lawyer throws some cash upwards saying, “What stays up is God’s. Whatever falls on the ground is mine!”

Joke: Thought that counts

Husband: “I saw a diamond ring and I 'thought' of buying it for you.”

Wife: “Then why did you not buy?”

Husband: “I heard the pastor say, ‘It is the 'thought' that counts'!"

Joke: Beat Up Your Father

Two boys are fighting and one boy tells the other, “My father can beat up your father!”

The second boy thinks for a while and the replies, “That may be possible, because sometimes, my mother beats him up too!”

Joke: Better to give than to receive

Boy: “My father says that it is always better to give than to receive.”

Girl: “Wow! Is your father a pastor?”

Boy: “No! He is a professional boxer!”

Joke: The Recession

The midst of recession. Everywhere there are lay-offs and pay cuts. 

One executive says to his boss: "I know why you always complaining at my work. You want to fire me,so when they cut your position you get mine!"

Joke: Mother-in-law

A husband and wife stepped up to view the body of his mother-in-law. 

As he began to cry, his wife punched him and said: "Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway." 

He replied: "I thought I saw her move!"

Joke: Vacation

Returning from her vacation, the young secretary asked for two weeks leave in which to get married. 

The boss asked: "Why didn't you get married during your leave?" 

She replied: "That would have ruined my vacation!"

Joke: The Golfers

Two men were leaving church on a Sunday. 

The first friend said: "I can always tell who the golfers are in church." 

His friend asked: "How's that?"

He replied: "Just look at who is praying with an interlocking grip!"

Joke: Golfer & Fisherman

Q: What's the difference between a golfer and a fisherman?

A: When a golfer lies. he doesn't have to bring anything home to prove it!

Joke: Not a Quitter!

HR manager to job applicant:

"You've been fired from seven jobs. What have you to say?"

The applicant replies: "That shows that I`m not a quitter!"

Inspiration: Speak & Listen

Enhanced communication tip:

Speak in such a way that others love to listen to you.

Listen in such a way that others love to speak to you!

Joke: Oxygen Recycling

His wife complained about his constant 'burping'.

He told her, "It's not called 'burping' anymore. It's called ‘oxygen recycling’!"

Joke: Big Lorenzo

Big Lorenzo, an Italian bragged: "I proud of my son. He makes five million dollars a year. He’s a Sports Mechanic!" 

A friend asks: "What's that?" 

Lorenzo replies: "Well, he can fix the horse races; he fixes the boxing matches.......!"

Joke: 90%, 100%

Father: "Son this time, you have to score 90% marks in your exams."

Son: "No father! I'll score 100% marks." 

Father: "Why are you kidding?"

Son: "You are the one who started this!"

Joke: Tracing Relatives

In the library an elderly man inquired about the quickest and easiest way to trace his relatives. 

The librarian replied, "Win the lottery!"

Joke: Gambling Problem

He went to the casino for the first time. He saw a sign: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER." 

So he dialled the number and asked:

"I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

Joke: Pen and Pencil

Man rings up the Doctor at 11pm and says, “My son has swallowed my ball pen, what shall I do?” 

The irritated Doctor replies “Use a pencil!”

Joke: The Appointment

The Doctor tells the patient to come back in three months for a follow up and the patient says, “I might be dead by then.”

Doctor replies, “Then you can cancel the appointment!”

Joke: Keep Stealing

The judge asks the accused, “Why do you keep stealing?” 

He replies, “Because I have no food and a place to stay.” 

The judge then says, “You poor man, I will give you a place to stay and free food – six months in jail!”

Joke: Burial at sea

Wife tells her husband, “When you die, I will dance on your grave!”

And so, the man arranges for his burial to be at sea.

Joke: Nibble

Elderly couple watching a love scene on TV and the wife says, “You used to kiss like that before and nibble my ears.” 

Husband gets up and walks away.

“Where to?” asks the old lady. 

“To get my teeth!” the man replies.

Joke: Consolation

A young man’s wife passes away and his friend consoles him, “You are young – soon you will meet someone else and who knows, will marry you.”

The young mourning husband replies, “I know – but 'what about tonight?”

Joke: Heaven

Teacher at religious class asks the students, “Who wants to go to heaven?” 

Everyone puts up the hand except Michael. 

He says, “I want to go home!”

Joke: 10, 10, 10

Young girl refuses to go to school and says: 

“The teacher is trying to confuse us – one day she says that five and five ten while the next day, she tells that six and four equal ten. Today, she informs us that three and seven is ten!”

Joke: Naughty kid

This lady sends her only son to a private school.

She then tells the class teacher, “If my son is naughty, don’t punish him. Instead punish the child next to him and he will get the message!”

Joke: Twenty one plus

A lady when asked her age always replies, “Twenty one plus!”

Someone keeps inquiring, “Twenty one plus…..what?”

She angrily snaps back, “Twenty one plus 240 months!”

Joke: You Love Me

So cute......

Young girl: "Say 'you love me'! 'You love me'!"

Young boy: "You love me!"

Joke: Like A Newspaper

Wife: "I wish I was a newspaper, so I'd be in your hands all day."

Husband: "I too wish that you were a newspaper, so I could have a new one everyday!"

Joke: Sleeping Pills

Doc: "Madam, your husband needs rest and peace; here are some sleeping pills"

Wife: "When must I give them to him?"

Doc: "They are for you!"

Joke: Moses in the desert

Sunday school teacher: "Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?"

Student: "Because he was too stubborn to stop and ask for directions!"

Joke: Spare Parts

The supervisor in an auto mechanic shop, was on waiting list for a heart transplant.

One day the phone rang and the receptionist answered.

It was the hospital with good news.

“Sam,” she yelled. “Your spare parts are in!”

Joke: Golf & Wedding

When the bride came down the aisle, the groom was waiting with his golf bag and clubs.

She asks, “Why did you bring your golf clubs to the wedding?”

He replies, “You don’t mean to tell me that this is gonna take all day!"

Joke: Stereotyping

At a international dinner, an American asked a Chinese guest, '’Likee soupee; likee meatee?"

After the dinner the Chinese gentleman delivered a speech in impeccable English.

He then asked the American, '’Likee speechee?'’

Joke: Lost in Translation

English subtitles from Hong Kong (Cantonese) movies:

1. “I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!”

2.“Beat him out of recognizable shape!”

3. “I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!”

Joke: Notify who?

This elderly lady goes to the hospital for an operation.

A nurse asks her, "In case of you are very sick, whom should we notify?"

The lady replied, "If I become very sick, notify a doctor!"

Inspiration: Love Is Blind

So cute…..

Boy: “Do you know why love is blind?”

Girl: “Love is blind because our mothers start to love us even before seeing our face!”

Joke: Nice Time vs Good Girl

Mother to a daughter, going to a party, "Have a nice time and be a good girl"

Daughter: "Oh mother! Make up your mind. What do you want it to be?"

Joke: The Broom

The drunk came home late after a night out and found his wife waiting with broom. 

He asked her: “Are you still sweeping or going flying on the broom!”

That’s when she began to hit him!

Joke: The Chase

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

It's just like when dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving!

Joke: Pocket Money

Wife: "I think our daughter is in love with someone."

Husband: "How do you know?"

Wife: "Because she is not asking for pocket money these days!"

Joke: The Silent Language

From ASH- Association of Sensitive Husbands..........

Silence is a language, too!

So if you don't hear anything from your wife, it doesn't mean you are safe!

Inspiration: See The World

"Climb mountains not so the world can see you. But so you can see the world!"

Joke: The Andes

Father: "Why did you have to stay after school?"

Son: "I funked a test. I don't know where Andes were."

Father: "Well, next time remember where you put your things!'

Joke: Worker Ants

The teacher: “Worker ants can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?”

The clever student: “That they don’t have a union!”

Joke: School Motto

The principal was very proud of his school’s academic record.

Asked how he maintained such high standards, he said: “The school motto!”

A parent asked: "And what's that?" 

He replied: “If at first you don’t succeed, you’re expelled!”

Joke: Comb

Teacher: “Why don't you comb your hair?”

Student: “No comb, Sir.”

Teacher:“Why not use your dad’s then?”

Student: “No hair, Sir!”

Joke: Inferiority Complex in the Army

The private went to the army psychiatrist and complained: “I have an inferiority complex.” 

The psychiatrist told him: “In the Army, privates don’t have an inferiority complex… they’re just inferior!”

Joke: Three months

Drunk: "I haven’t spoken to my wife for three months.”

Drunkard:“Three months! How come?”

Drunk: “Well, it seems rude to interrupt her!”

Joke: Getting Married

Two men are talking. 

One says: “I got married because I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and wearing shabby clothes.” 

The other exclaims: “I just got divorced for the very same reasons!”

Joke: Dish Washer

Lady: "What do use for washing dishes?"

Friend: "Oh, I have found my husband's the best for washing dishes!"

Joke: Falling in love

Women fall in love by what they hear and men fall in love by what they see. 

And that's why men tell lies and women put on make-up!

Joke: Women have a passion for mathematics!

Women have a passion for mathematics!

They divide their age in half; 

double the price of their clothes and 

always add at least five years to the age of their best friend!

Joke: Heated

From ASH-Association of Sensitive Husbands:

"Heated gold is called ornament.

Beaten copper is called wire.

Compressed carbon is called diamond.

But heated, beaten and compressed person Is called husband!"

Joke: Environmental Day

The best 'Environmental Day' slogan by a young male student:

"Save Earth, this is the only planet with girls!"

Joke: Cold Weather

Two little boys are talking about the cold weather.

Smith: "In my town, it so cold that we have to use at least thirty blankets!"

Johnny: "In my place, it gets so cold that the cows give ice cream instead of milk!"

Joke: Happiest Hour

Wife: "Do you remember when you proposed to me for marriage, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?”

Husband: “Yes, honey, that was the happiest one hour of my life!”

Joke: The Archaeologist

"An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her!"

Joke: Female Dentist

"I like to see a woman dentist,” said the man. 

“Why?” asked his friend.

The man replied, "Because it would be a pleasure to have a woman say, 'open your mouth' instead of 'shut up'!"

Joke: Plastic Surgery

Patient: "What is the cost of plastic surgery?"

Doctor: "It is about $6,000."

Patient: "Well, what if I bring the plastic?"

Joke: Headache

Man: "Doctor! My wooden leg is giving me a headache!"

Doctor: "Why?"

Man: "Because my wife keeps hitting me on the head with it!"

Joke: The New Born

Husband: "Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?"

Doctor: "When the kid goes to college!"

Joke: Diet Change

Doctor interviewing a nurse: "What would you do in the case of a person who has eaten poisonous food?"

Nurse: "Recommend a change of diet!"

Joke: Juror Duty

Judge: "Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?"

Juror: "I don’t want to be away from my job that long." 

Judge: "Can’t they do without you at work?"

Juror: "Yes,they can but I don’t want them to know it!"

Joke: Holding Hands

A man tells his friend, “My wife and I, we are always holding hands.”

“Why do you do this?” asks his friend.

The man replies, “Because if I let go, she shops!"

Joke: Jealousy

Drunk: “Why did the supervisor fire you?” 

Drunkard: “Well, he is the one always sitting and watching the workers. He got jealous when people thought I was the supervisor just because I too sat and watched others working!”

Joke: Her Laugh

The hit-and-run victim exclaimed: “My mother-in-law just tried to run over me!”

A police officer asked “How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?”

Victim: “I recognized her laugh!”

Joke: The Consequences

An elderly gentleman was awaiting an operation that his son, a surgeon was about to perform.

He whispered to his son: “Do your best and just remember, that if I die, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife!”

Joke: The Gift !

Making a speech, the groom told his mother-in-law. “You've given me a gift,” he began, “a gift that..”

His mother-in-law continued: “That you cannot return!”

Joke: Diamond Ring

Girl: “In my dream, I saw you buying me a diamond ring.”

Boy: “I had the same dream too and I saw your dad paying the bill!”

Joke: BARK!

A mother and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.

The mother mouse goes, “BARK!” and the cat runs away.

The mother mouse advices: “That's why it’s important to learn a foreign language!”

Joke: Face to face with a lion

Drunk: “I came face to face with a lion once. I was alone and without a gun.”

Friend: “My God! What did you then do?”

Drunk: “Oh this was at a zoo! I left him and went on to another cage!"

Joke: Our Dog

Teacher: "Your essay on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy from him?"

Student: "No teacher, it’s about the same dog!"

Joke: Responsible Man

Girl: "I want a responsible man as my husband!"

A man replies: "Then it has to be me. Whenever anything goes wrong in my office, they say I'm responsible!"

Joke: Roman Rules

History teacher: "From where to where did the Romans rule?"

Student: "Sir, I think it's from page 15 to 18 in our history book!"

Joke: Coke Bottle

Lady: "Darling, years ago I had a figure like Coke bottle!"

Husband: "Yes you still do but the only difference is that earlier, it was a 300ml bottle and now it's a 1.5 liter bottle!"

Joke: 1000 letters

A riddle for juniors..............
Teacher: "Can you give a word that has more than 1000 letters in it?"

Student: "Post office!"

Joke: What's on the TV?

The husband and wife had a big fight.

The wife asked, "What's on the TV?"

The husband replied: "Dust!"

Joke: Heaven and Earth

During religious class a teacher asked: "Why do Gods stay up in heaven?"

A boy answered: "Because they are afraid of what they have created!"

Joke: The Tourist

An Italian tells a visitor to his country:
“You have to be careful in my country because we have bad cars and good wine, a dangerous combination!”

Joke: New Stuff ... Old Hits

Overheard in a pub:
“When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert. We start with some new stuff and then we bring out the old hits!”

Joke: Relatives

Wife: "You hate my relatives!"

Husband: "Not true! In fact, I like your mother-in-law more than I like mine!"

Joke: Pocket Calculators

Salesman: "Would you like to buy a pocket calculator?"

Young boy: "No, thanks. I know how many pockets I have!"

Joke: Artists of the '60s

Some of the artists of the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics:
Herman's Hermits; "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker!"
The Bee Gees; "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip!"
Commodores; "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom!”

Joke: A Sleeping Begger

A sleeping beggar puts up a notice board in front of him:

"Please do not make noise by dropping coins. Offer notes!"

Joke: May I Talk To You?

A man asked a beautiful woman in a Hypermarket: "Would you mind if I talk to you for a few minutes?" 

She asked: "Why?" 

He answered: "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears from somewhere!"

Joke: Adult Joke?

A child asked his father: "What is a adult joke?"

The father replied: "That'a a joke which has been around for eighteen years!"

Joke: So Perfect

One young man tells another:

"My girl and me, we are so perfect! She loves me and I love myself too!"

Joke: Changed My Mind

Boy and girl after a quarrel:

Girl: "I have changed my mind."

Boy: "Thank God! Does the new one work?"

Joke: Report Card

A teenage boy told his father: 

"Here’s my report card and a list I've made of entrepreneurs who never finished their High School!"

Joke: Lifebuoy

Joke for juniors.......

Q: Which boy has the permission to get into girls’ bathroom?

A. A Lifebuoy.

Joke: It isn't heavy

Boy: "May I hold your hand?"

Girl: "No thanks, it isn't heavy!"

Joke: Thanks for the warning!

A girl says to her boyfriend, "One kiss and I'll be yours forever."

The guy replies: "Thanks for the warning!"

Joke: I have a one more

Two terrorists were fixing a bomb in a car.

One said: "What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing?"

The other replied: "Don’t worry, I have a one more!"

Joke: Best Seller

Teacher: "What should be in a book to make it a best seller?"

Andrew: "A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl"

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL MOTHERS!

One morning, a son asked this father: “Why are you making Mummy breakfast? Is she sick?” 

The father replied: “No, because it’s Mother’s Day.”

“Oh,” said the son, “then, is every other day Father’s Day?”

Joke: Exercise

"Are the slimming exercises doing you any good?" a man asked his beer-bellied friend, "Can you touch your toes now?"

"No, I can't touch them," the other replied, "but now I can see them!"

Joke: Neighbour

A little boy opens the door and looks at his sister's boy friend and asks innocently, "Every day you come to meet my sister, don't you have your own sister?"

Joke: Excuse me! My face is above!

Written on the front of T-shirt worn by a “well endowed” girl:

“Excuse me! My face is above!"

Joke: A few words

A man muttered a few words in church and found himself married.

Two years later, he a muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced!

Joke: Marriage License

A question from ASH-Association of Sensitive Husbands: 

"Instead of divorces, why isn't there a marriage license that can be renewed yearly!"

Joke: Amazing Watch

Drunk: "I've got an amazing watch. It cost me only 50 cents!"

Friend: "What's so amazing?"

Drunk: "Every time I look at it, I'm amazed it's still working!"

Joke: Ban Fluid

Shortly after the FAA announced the ban on fluids, a man was stopped by airport security because they found a bottle of water in one of his carry-on bags.

"Sorry," the officer told him, "but water is now considered a fluid!"

Joke: PRESS

At a news briefing, a female press reporter slapped a drunk. 

A man asked the drunk, "Why did she slap you?" 

He replied: "On her T-shirt over her chest, it was written 'PRESS', ...so I pressed!"

Joke: Business Card

Typically Chinese......A business card found in a letter box reads:

“Loo Roof Refairing. We specialise in refairing leaks!

If you are leaking, contact us!”

Joke: Types of Therapy

The elderly couple was at the physiotherapist’s office. He was staring at the young women passing by. He turned around and caught his wife looking at him. He smiled and said, "I'm having visual therapy!"

Joke: Type of Man

From ASH-Association of Sensitive Husbands.........

Man before marriage: "SUPERMAN" After marriage: "GENTLEMAN"

After ten years: "WATCHMAN" After twenty years: "DOBERMAN!"

Joke: Labour Day

Teacher: "Who do we remember on 'Labour Day'?"

Student: "On that day, we remember mothers who are in labour!"

Joke: Call for backup!

A police recruit was asked during exam: 

"What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" 

He quickly replied: "Call for backup!"

Joke: Sound Advice

Overheard at a women's forum:

Always listen to husbands; they gives sound advice:

"99% Sound & 1% Advice!"

Joke: Do you think I am fat?

Girl: "Do you think I am fat?"

Boy: "No! You have just become my 'Teddy Bear from being a 'Barbie doll'!"

Joke: Tight Clothing

Medical Science says: "Tight clothing slows the blood circulation"

But sometimes: "The tighter a girl's clothing, the faster the blood circulation of man!"

Joke: LOL

A girl thought 'LOL' meant 'Lots Of Love' so, she sent the following text to her boy friend:

"You are the only boy in my life, 'LOL'!"

Joke: Ladies' Make Up

From ASH- Association of Sensitive Husbands:

"To all the ladies who wear a lot of make-up! Take it easy, it's a face and not a coloring book!"

Inspiration: Open & Close

The dictionary says that 'Open' and 'Close' are opposites.

But the lessons of life teach us that we are only 'Open' to those with whom we are 'Close'!

Joke: Minds

A boy send the following SMS to a girl:

"Galileo: Great mind!
Einstein: Genius mind!
Newton: Extraordinary mind!
You: Always in my mind!"

Riddle: Fish and Money

A riddle for the kids:

Q) Where does a fish keep it's money?

A) In the river bank!

Joke: iWitness

An Intelligent question:

"If I see an Iphone being stolen, will I become an 'i Witness'?"

Joke: A Mistake

Teacher: Write the passive voice of: "I made a mistake."

Johnny: "I was made by a mistake!"

Joke: Wedding - White & Black

At a wedding a little girl asked, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

Her mother said, "Because white is the color of happiness."

The child then inquired, "Then why is the groom wearing black?"

Joke: Too Much Perfume

What girls say when they talk among themselves..........
If a girl uses too much perfume, she is going on a date.
If a boy uses too much perfume, he hasn't had a bath!

Joke: Sign here ...

In a Brooklyn school............
Teacher : "Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?"
Student : "At the bottom!"

Joke: Gym vs ATM

A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl. Which machine can I use?"

The trainer replies: "Use the ATM machine!"

Joke: Undying Love

Girl: "Do you love me?"

Boy: "Yes Dear."
Girl: "Would you die for me?"

Boy: "No dear, mine is an undying love!"

Joke: Suicidal Trucker

The man was depressed and so he called "Lifeline." He was connected to a call center in Afghanistan. He told them he was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if he could drive a truck!

Joke: Men and women shop differently

Men and women shop differently. 

Men know what they want before they see it. 

Women don't know what they want until they see it!

Joke: Apple and Blackberries

Grandpa : "When I was your age all I got for my birthday was an apple and a few blackberries."
Grandchild: "What? You got a laptop and three phones!"

Joke: In a minute ...

The husband shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late!"
His wife replied in an angry tone: "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"

Joke: One in a million ...

Just imagine........China has a population of a billion people. 

One billion! That means even if you’re 'a one in a million kind of guy', there are still a thousand others exactly like you!

Joke: Cancer & AIDS

A man is dying of cancer. 

His son asked him: “Dad, why do you keep telling people you are dying of AIDS?”
The dad replied: “So that when I’m dead, no one will dare touch your mum!"

Joke: The System ...

Some teachers were touring the local court house.

The guide said: “As you can see there are many people that are involved in making this system work.” 

A prisoner nearby shouted: “And I’m the one who makes it all happen!”

Joke: Brotherly Love ...

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?" 

Student : "Brotherly love!"

Joke: Terrorist - Return to Sender

A terrorist didn't write the complete and correct address on a letter bomb. It came back with the remarks: "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was killed in the explosion!

Joke: High-5

A drunk arrested for slapping his wife told the police officer:
"I didn't slap her, I just high-fived her face!"

Joke: LIPS

A complain from LIPS - Ladies In Professional Services:
"There is nothing so annoying as having two other people talking when you're busy interrupting!"

Joke: Pretty soon ...

Cheeky boy: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Irritated girl: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

Jokes: Weddings and Funerals

One young executive says: 

"Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'You're next!' They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals!"

Joke: A Drunkard's Explanation ...

A cop stops a drunk at four in the morning and asks, “Can you explain why you are out at this hour?” 

The drunk replies “If I could come up with a reasonable explanation for my wife, I would have been home by now!”

Joke: High Blood Pressure

He was diagnosed with high blood pressure. 

The doctor asked, “Your mum’s side or dad’s side?” 

He said, "Neither, my wife’s side!" 

The doctor exclaimed, “That's impossible!” 

He replied, “You should meet them; then you'll know!”

Joke: The Stupid Thief ...

There was not enough evidence to convict him of a bank robbery. 

When the foreman announced, “Not guilty!” the he jumped to his feet and shouted, “Does that mean I get to keep all the cash?”

Joke: Drunk at an accident

A drunk was walking down the street at tree in the morning when he saw two cars crashing into each other. Rushing over he said, “I saw everything! I can take either side!”

Joke: Bonus !

Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of $1000.00 to any employee who could come up with a plan to save money. The bonus went to a young man in accounting who suggested limiting future bonuses to $100.00.

Joke: Dog, Parrot & Cat

A spinster said: "I never married because I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. A dog that growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night!"

Joke: Hunter & Tiger ...

A hunter was boring his guests with tales of his safari. 

Pointing to a tiger rug, he related, "It was either him or me." 

One tired listen commented, "It was a good thing it was the tiger. You would've made a lousy rug!"

Joke: Accident ...

He accidentally reversed his car into a wall. A few days later, he did it again.
"I'm so embarrassed," he moaned. 

His wife said: "Why not tell the mechanic it was me this time?" 

He replied: "That's what I told him last time!"

Joke: A Flip of a Coin ...

A student grabbed a coin, flipped it in the air and announced:
“Heads, I sleep; tails, I watch a movie; if it stands on the edge, I’ll study!”

Joke: D.O.P.E.

The young executive was promoted to 'Director Of Product Efficiency'.
When he got his new business cards, the acronym read: 'DOPE'!.

Joke: At the buffet

At a buffet dinner, the husband came back to the table, his plate full for the fifth time. 

His wife exclaimed: “Doesn't it embarrass you that people have been noticing you?” 

He replied: “I just tell them it’s for you!”

Joke: Last Request ...

The hardened criminal is sent to the electric chair. 

A pastor asks, “Do you have any last requests?” 

The criminal looks at him and says, “I am so scared; can you hold my hand!”

Joke: Rats !

She told the pet shop owner that she needed some rats.

He asked: "Why?" 

She replied: “I’m moving out of my rented house and my lease says that when I move out, I must leave the place in the same condition as I found it!”

Joke: Relatives of yours ...

A couple was driving by a zoo.
The husband sarcastically asked, “Are those animals any relatives of yours?”
The wife calmly replied, "Yes! I married into the family!”

Joke: Whisper

In church one day, the boy told his mother: “I have to piss.” 

The mother said: “Next time, say, ‘whisper’; we’ll understand” 

The next Sunday, the boy told his dad: “I have to whisper.” 

And the father said: “OK, whisper in my ear!”