Joke: Post It

Postman: "I have to come five miles to deliver you this packet."

Farmer: "Why did you come so far? You could have posted it!"

Joke: One vs Three

Three ants find an elephant asleep.
One says,”We’ll kill him!”

Another says: ”We’ll break his legs!”

The third one advises: "Let's leave him alone. He is only one and there are three of us!"

Joke: Gather your belongings

Airline's announcement:
“As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses!”

Joke: Stupid vs Ugly

Husband: “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.”

Wife: "Well, God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

Joke: Me neither

Teacher: "You copied from Marvin’s exam paper didn’t you?"

James: "How did you know?"

Teacher: "Marvin’s paper says ‘I don’t know’ and you wrote ‘Me, neither’!"

Joke: Marry the Enemy

From his death bed, the man told his wife, “After I die I want you to marry Joseph.”

The wife exclaimed: “But he is your worst enemy!”

The man replied: “Yes, I know! But I’ve suffered all these years; so let him suffer now!”

Inspiration: Shelf Life

Gentle reminder:
"Beauty has a shelf life!"

Joke: Women in the military

The North Koreans now have women in the military.

In times of war, all the general has to do, is tell the women on the front line: ‘"You see the enemy over there?
 
They say you look fat and ugly in these uniforms!"

Joke: Ants in the soup

Restaurant Manager: "Why are you looking worried?"

Chef: "There are lot of ants in soup and other cooked food. What to do?"

Restaurant Manager: "Don’t worry, we'll announce that today we are having a Chinese Food festival!’

Riddle: Fast Food

Q). Why is "fast food" so called?

A). It’s called “fast food" because you’re supposed to eat it really fast. Otherwise, you might actually get the real taste of it!

Joke: Saying Grace

The Sunday school teacher asks, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"

Little Johnny replies, “No sir! I don’t have to, my mum is a good cook!”

Joke: Holding Hands

Young man: "Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?"

Elderly man: "Its a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!"

Joke: Spend wisely

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did!

Joke: Chair vs Table

Policeman: "Why did you hit your husband with a chair?”

Lady: “Because I couldn’t lift the table!"

Joke: Funeral Arrangements

Wife to Husband: “If I die, I want you to promise me, in the funeral procession, you’ll let my mother ride in the first car with you.”

Husband: “All right, but it will ruin my day!”

Joke: The Senility Prayer

THE SENILITY PRAYER..........
"God, grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, 
the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, 
and the eyesight to tell the difference!"

Joke: Absent

Father: "Why did you get such a low score in that exam?"
Son: "Absence!"
Father: "You were absent on the day of the exam?"
Son: "No but the boy who sits next to me was!"

Joke: Once upon a time ...

A little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?"
"No, sweetheart," he answered.
"Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"

Joke: Like Father ...

"If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, then, it is understandable why mothers cry so much at weddings!"

Joke: Interesting Story

Ladies, you want to hear an interesting story?

Send a message to your husband: "I know everything now! How could you?".

Riddle: Facebook

Question: "What do Facebook employees do to waste their time at work?"

Joke: Darling ...

Husband "Darling, do you hear me?"

Wife: "What happened, did you run out of toilet paper?"

Husband: "No, restart the router, please!"

Joke: The Crime

A judge asked the accused: "So, did you commit the crime in the way I have just explained?"

The criminal replied: "Actually no, but I really like your idea!"

Joke: Getting Ideas

Two top managers were chatting over drinks:

First one: "I often get ideas when in bed. So I take a pen and note book to bed."

Second one: "Me too! That's why I take my secretary with me to bed!"

Joke: Library

In a New York cafe: 

Busy Indian waiter: "What would you like to eat sir?" 

British customer: "I need some time. I would prefer to read the menu first."

Busy Indian waiter: "If you want to read sir, please go to the library!"

Joke: I am your father!

The lawyer meets a lady at a dinner and she tells him: "I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

He pleads: “Please don’t tell my wife, she’ll kill me!"

She calmly says: “Don’t worry! I am your son’s Math teacher!”

Joke: I Know You

Judge: “I know you, don't I?”

Defendant: “Yes.”

Judge: “All right, tell me, how do I know you?”

Defendant: “I am your bookie!”

Joke: Liar!

Politician: "My opponent has called me a liar. I have never lied to you.

The problem is that the facts don't always match up with what I say!"

Joke: Criminal Mind

Son: “Dad, the career counsellor said that with a mind like mine I should study criminal law.”

Father: “That is wonderful son! But what made him say that?”

Son: “He said I had a criminal mind!”

Joke: I've seen that

Private investigator (P.I.): "I saw your wife with a unknown man going to a movie."

Husband: "Didn't you follow them?"

P.I.: "No! I had already seen that movie!"

Inspiration: You're There

A statement so profound from a drunker philosopher:

"No matter where you go, you're there!"