Joke: Kiss that girl

Wife: “Every morning when our new neighbour leaves the house, he kisses the young wife goodbye and when he comes home, he gives her a hug. Why can’t you do that?”

Husband: “I do not know the girl yet!”

Joke: Microwave Pin

Doctor: "How did you know that your husband was drunk?"

Wife "He was trying to open the microwave using his pin number!”

Joke: Recycle Bin

One lady to another, "My husband is so lazy that he doesn't even empty the trash in the 'Recycle Bin' of his computer!"

Joke: Married Women

Lady: “Why don’t you take your wife when you go out?”

Man: “I do not go out with married women!”

Joke: Bang It!

Senior lawyer: “When you have facts, bang on the facts; when you have figures, bang on the figures.”

Junior lawyer: “What if we don’t have either the facts or the figures?”

Senior lawyer: “Then, just bang on the table!”

Joke: Charity

A doctor and a lawyer are asked to share a deceased client’s wealth and give some to charity.

The doctor does so.

The lawyer throws some cash upwards saying, “What stays up is God’s. Whatever falls on the ground is mine!”

Joke: Thought that counts

Husband: “I saw a diamond ring and I 'thought' of buying it for you.”

Wife: “Then why did you not buy?”

Husband: “I heard the pastor say, ‘It is the 'thought' that counts'!"

Joke: Beat Up Your Father

Two boys are fighting and one boy tells the other, “My father can beat up your father!”

The second boy thinks for a while and the replies, “That may be possible, because sometimes, my mother beats him up too!”

Joke: Better to give than to receive

Boy: “My father says that it is always better to give than to receive.”

Girl: “Wow! Is your father a pastor?”

Boy: “No! He is a professional boxer!”

Joke: The Recession

The midst of recession. Everywhere there are lay-offs and pay cuts. 

One executive says to his boss: "I know why you always complaining at my work. You want to fire me,so when they cut your position you get mine!"

Joke: Mother-in-law

A husband and wife stepped up to view the body of his mother-in-law. 

As he began to cry, his wife punched him and said: "Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway." 

He replied: "I thought I saw her move!"

Joke: Vacation

Returning from her vacation, the young secretary asked for two weeks leave in which to get married. 

The boss asked: "Why didn't you get married during your leave?" 

She replied: "That would have ruined my vacation!"

Joke: The Golfers

Two men were leaving church on a Sunday. 

The first friend said: "I can always tell who the golfers are in church." 

His friend asked: "How's that?"

He replied: "Just look at who is praying with an interlocking grip!"

Joke: Golfer & Fisherman

Q: What's the difference between a golfer and a fisherman?

A: When a golfer lies. he doesn't have to bring anything home to prove it!

Joke: Not a Quitter!

HR manager to job applicant:

"You've been fired from seven jobs. What have you to say?"

The applicant replies: "That shows that I`m not a quitter!"

Inspiration: Speak & Listen

Enhanced communication tip:

Speak in such a way that others love to listen to you.

Listen in such a way that others love to speak to you!

Joke: Oxygen Recycling

His wife complained about his constant 'burping'.

He told her, "It's not called 'burping' anymore. It's called ‘oxygen recycling’!"

Joke: Big Lorenzo

Big Lorenzo, an Italian bragged: "I proud of my son. He makes five million dollars a year. He’s a Sports Mechanic!" 

A friend asks: "What's that?" 

Lorenzo replies: "Well, he can fix the horse races; he fixes the boxing matches.......!"

Joke: 90%, 100%

Father: "Son this time, you have to score 90% marks in your exams."

Son: "No father! I'll score 100% marks." 

Father: "Why are you kidding?"

Son: "You are the one who started this!"

Joke: Tracing Relatives

In the library an elderly man inquired about the quickest and easiest way to trace his relatives. 

The librarian replied, "Win the lottery!"

Joke: Gambling Problem

He went to the casino for the first time. He saw a sign: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER." 

So he dialled the number and asked:

"I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

Joke: Pen and Pencil

Man rings up the Doctor at 11pm and says, “My son has swallowed my ball pen, what shall I do?” 

The irritated Doctor replies “Use a pencil!”

Joke: The Appointment

The Doctor tells the patient to come back in three months for a follow up and the patient says, “I might be dead by then.”

Doctor replies, “Then you can cancel the appointment!”

Joke: Keep Stealing

The judge asks the accused, “Why do you keep stealing?” 

He replies, “Because I have no food and a place to stay.” 

The judge then says, “You poor man, I will give you a place to stay and free food – six months in jail!”

Joke: Burial at sea

Wife tells her husband, “When you die, I will dance on your grave!”

And so, the man arranges for his burial to be at sea.

Joke: Nibble

Elderly couple watching a love scene on TV and the wife says, “You used to kiss like that before and nibble my ears.” 

Husband gets up and walks away.

“Where to?” asks the old lady. 

“To get my teeth!” the man replies.

Joke: Consolation

A young man’s wife passes away and his friend consoles him, “You are young – soon you will meet someone else and who knows, will marry you.”

The young mourning husband replies, “I know – but 'what about tonight?”

Joke: Heaven

Teacher at religious class asks the students, “Who wants to go to heaven?” 

Everyone puts up the hand except Michael. 

He says, “I want to go home!”

Joke: 10, 10, 10

Young girl refuses to go to school and says: 

“The teacher is trying to confuse us – one day she says that five and five ten while the next day, she tells that six and four equal ten. Today, she informs us that three and seven is ten!”