Joke: iWitness

An Intelligent question:

"If I see an Iphone being stolen, will I become an 'i Witness'?"

Joke: A Mistake

Teacher: Write the passive voice of: "I made a mistake."

Johnny: "I was made by a mistake!"

Joke: Wedding - White & Black

At a wedding a little girl asked, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

Her mother said, "Because white is the color of happiness."

The child then inquired, "Then why is the groom wearing black?"

Joke: Too Much Perfume

What girls say when they talk among themselves..........
If a girl uses too much perfume, she is going on a date.
If a boy uses too much perfume, he hasn't had a bath!

Joke: Sign here ...

In a Brooklyn school............
Teacher : "Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?"
Student : "At the bottom!"

Joke: Gym vs ATM

A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl. Which machine can I use?"

The trainer replies: "Use the ATM machine!"

Joke: Undying Love

Girl: "Do you love me?"

Boy: "Yes Dear."
Girl: "Would you die for me?"

Boy: "No dear, mine is an undying love!"

Joke: Suicidal Trucker

The man was depressed and so he called "Lifeline." He was connected to a call center in Afghanistan. He told them he was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if he could drive a truck!

Joke: Men and women shop differently

Men and women shop differently. 

Men know what they want before they see it. 

Women don't know what they want until they see it!

Joke: Apple and Blackberries

Grandpa : "When I was your age all I got for my birthday was an apple and a few blackberries."
Grandchild: "What? You got a laptop and three phones!"

Joke: In a minute ...

The husband shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late!"
His wife replied in an angry tone: "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"

Joke: One in a million ...

Just imagine........China has a population of a billion people. 

One billion! That means even if you’re 'a one in a million kind of guy', there are still a thousand others exactly like you!

Joke: Cancer & AIDS

A man is dying of cancer. 

His son asked him: “Dad, why do you keep telling people you are dying of AIDS?”
The dad replied: “So that when I’m dead, no one will dare touch your mum!"

Joke: The System ...

Some teachers were touring the local court house.

The guide said: “As you can see there are many people that are involved in making this system work.” 

A prisoner nearby shouted: “And I’m the one who makes it all happen!”

Joke: Brotherly Love ...

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?" 

Student : "Brotherly love!"

Joke: Terrorist - Return to Sender

A terrorist didn't write the complete and correct address on a letter bomb. It came back with the remarks: "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was killed in the explosion!

Joke: High-5

A drunk arrested for slapping his wife told the police officer:
"I didn't slap her, I just high-fived her face!"

Joke: LIPS

A complain from LIPS - Ladies In Professional Services:
"There is nothing so annoying as having two other people talking when you're busy interrupting!"

Joke: Pretty soon ...

Cheeky boy: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Irritated girl: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

Jokes: Weddings and Funerals

One young executive says: 

"Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'You're next!' They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals!"

Joke: A Drunkard's Explanation ...

A cop stops a drunk at four in the morning and asks, “Can you explain why you are out at this hour?” 

The drunk replies “If I could come up with a reasonable explanation for my wife, I would have been home by now!”

Joke: High Blood Pressure

He was diagnosed with high blood pressure. 

The doctor asked, “Your mum’s side or dad’s side?” 

He said, "Neither, my wife’s side!" 

The doctor exclaimed, “That's impossible!” 

He replied, “You should meet them; then you'll know!”

Joke: The Stupid Thief ...

There was not enough evidence to convict him of a bank robbery. 

When the foreman announced, “Not guilty!” the he jumped to his feet and shouted, “Does that mean I get to keep all the cash?”

Joke: Drunk at an accident

A drunk was walking down the street at tree in the morning when he saw two cars crashing into each other. Rushing over he said, “I saw everything! I can take either side!”

Joke: Bonus !

Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of $1000.00 to any employee who could come up with a plan to save money. The bonus went to a young man in accounting who suggested limiting future bonuses to $100.00.

Joke: Dog, Parrot & Cat

A spinster said: "I never married because I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. A dog that growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night!"

Joke: Hunter & Tiger ...

A hunter was boring his guests with tales of his safari. 

Pointing to a tiger rug, he related, "It was either him or me." 

One tired listen commented, "It was a good thing it was the tiger. You would've made a lousy rug!"

Joke: Accident ...

He accidentally reversed his car into a wall. A few days later, he did it again.
"I'm so embarrassed," he moaned. 

His wife said: "Why not tell the mechanic it was me this time?" 

He replied: "That's what I told him last time!"

Joke: A Flip of a Coin ...

A student grabbed a coin, flipped it in the air and announced:
“Heads, I sleep; tails, I watch a movie; if it stands on the edge, I’ll study!”

Joke: D.O.P.E.

The young executive was promoted to 'Director Of Product Efficiency'.
When he got his new business cards, the acronym read: 'DOPE'!.

Joke: At the buffet

At a buffet dinner, the husband came back to the table, his plate full for the fifth time. 

His wife exclaimed: “Doesn't it embarrass you that people have been noticing you?” 

He replied: “I just tell them it’s for you!”