Joke: Uninsured Circumcision

When the insurance company refused to pay for his newborn son’s circumcision, he got a letter explaining its logic. Under the procedure "Circumcision" was written "Unable to locate member."

Joke: Biggest loser

The biggest loser at the weight-loss club was an elderly woman. "How'd you do it?" she was asked.
"Easy," she said. "Every evening at six o'clock, I take my teeth out!"

Joke: Still loved him

She was telling me about the death of a co-worker's spouse, when she commented, "How sad. They’d been married only three years, so I imagine she still loved him!"

Joke: Nice trouble

Every night he came back drunk.
Her friend suggested "Be nice to him and he might change."
So one night, she welcomed him with a kiss and said: "Let’s go to bed, I’ll be nice to you!"
He said, "Might as well, I’ll get into trouble if I go home."

Joke: Curious kid

The six-year-old was very inquisitive.
The mother asked, "Do you know that curiosity killed the cat?"
"No," replied the child.
"Well, this very inquisitive cat looked into a big hole, fell in and died!"
The child asked: "What was in the hole?"

Inspiration: Friendly present

‎"A friend is a present we give ourselves!"

Joke: Wonderful singing

Wife: "Why do you go out to the balcony when I start singing?"
Husband: "Because the neighbours might think I am beating you!"

Joke: POO Insured

The insurance industry has its own comical acronyms.
For "Proof of Ownership" a note was made in a client’s file that read: "Insured has 'POO' on damaged items."

Joke: Beers & Pretzels

Two nuns decided to buy some beers.
One nun told the cashier. "This is for washing our hair."
The cashier put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
He then said, "The 'curlers' are on me!"

Joke: The doctor and the vet

He went to the cardiologist after experiencing symptoms of a heart attack.
He told the nurse, "I took our cat to the vet and while there, my chest got tight and I had trouble breathing!"
The nurse asked, "So, how was the cat?"

Joke: Dentist and a caring husband

He asks the Dentist how much to extract wisdom teeth.
Dentist replies, "Eighty dollars."
The man asks, "Isn't there a cheaper rate?"
Dentist says, "If my student does it, then it is only $10."
The man exclaims, "Marvellous! Book my wife for next Tuesday!"

Joke: Shhh... in church

The Sunday school teacher asked the children: "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One replied, "Because there are some who are sleeping!"

Inspiration: Jobs vs Friends/Family

"Our jobs won't take care of us when we are sick. Our friends and family will. So, let's stay in touch! "

Joke: Wife

John: "What do you call a wife who is beautiful, intelligent, understanding, caring, never jealous and a great cook?"
Victor: "Neighbour's wife!"

Joke: Good sight

An old man was a witness in a burglary trial.
Defence lawyer, "This happened at night. You sure you saw my client?"
"Yes" he says.
Lawyer asks, "Being 80 years old, just how far can you see at night?"
He says, "Well. I can see the moon!"

Joke: Saint Husband

Long ago, men who sacrificed their love, youth, parents, identity, laughter and their happiness were called "Saints"!
Nowadays, they are called "Husbands"!

Joke: Karma vs Dogma

A monk driving in India, suddenly hit and killed a dog that crossed the road.
On seeing a temple nearby, he went in and saw another monk.
The first monk said: "I'm terribly sorry, but my 'karma' ran over your 'dogma'!"

Joke: Flowers

Allan: "Why is your face all scratched?"
Gibson: "My girlfriend said it with flowers."
Allan: "How Romantic!"
Gibson: "Not really, she whacked my face with a bunch of thorny roses!"

Joke: Good health

On his 100th birthday, everybody complimented him on his athletic body.
He announced, "I have been walking almost every day of my married life."
He then explained, "On our marriage day, we promised that the one who was proved wrong in an argument would take a walk!"

Joke: Cowboy

A cowboy married a waitress from the local pub.
Two weeks later the cowboy appeared alone in the pub.
"Where the wife?" an acquaintance asked.
"Had a little bad luck," Bill said.
"Two day ago she broke her leg and I had to shoot her!"

Inspiration: Our Business

‎"What other people think of us is none of our business!"

Joke: Bad Deals?

The note said, "Give us $50,000 or you’ll never see your wife alive again!"
He replied, "I don’t have the money but your proposition interests me!"

Joke: Self-help

At a bookstore she asked the saleswoman, "Where’s the self-help section?"
The saleswoman replied, "If I tell you, it would defeat the purpose!"

Joke: Attorneys

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks.
Then they took sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner said, "You can't eat 'your own food' in here!"
And so the attorneys exchanged sandwiches and ate them!

Joke: Miracles

A priest gets stopped for speeding.
The state trooper seeing an empty wine bottle on the car floor asks, "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest exclaims, "Good Lord! A miracle!"

Inspiration: Bless & Stress

‎"Let's always remember that we are too blessed to be stressed!"

Joke: Right vs Left

The interviewer asked the man from India, "Do you write with your left hand or right hand?"
He replied, "Sir, I write with a pen!"

Joke: Doctor doctor ...

Five-year-old Becky told the census taker that her father, a Doctor wasn't home because he was performing an 'appendectomy'. The census taker said, "That is a big word. Do you know what it means?" She replied, "Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"

Joke: Doctor doctor

A man came out of surgery with a bump on his head and a terrible headache. The nurse spoke to the surgeon about it. The surgeon said, "We caused the bump on his head. About halfway into the operation we ran out of anaesthetic!"

Joke: Father Daughter moments

The father of three daughters told his eldest, "I like all the young men you and your sisters bring home." "You know, Dad," she replied. "We don't show you everybody."

Joke: Mistaken Identity

A fierce looking man enters the pub and shouts, "Is there a Samuel here?" A small sized man responds, "I am Samuel!" Whereupon, the big man beats him up and leaves. The small man smiles and announces, "I fooled him! I’m not Samuel!"

Joke: Wrong Number

Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?" Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?" Customer: "It's on the door of your business." Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we are open!"

Joke: Bad Breath

A lady on the train was reading a newspaper article about death statistics.
She turned to the man next to her and said, "Did you know that every time I breathe, somebody dies?"
"Really?" he said, "Have you tried mouthwash?"

Inspiration: Life is too short ...

‎"Life is too short to waste time on hating anyone!"

Inspiration: Happiness

"We can control our thoughts. Our thoughts control our happiness. Thus, we can control our happiness!"

Joke: Mode of Payment

A drunk woman leapt into a taxi stark naked. Ramesh, the Indian cab driver refused to move. She asked, "Never seen a naked woman before? What are you thinking?" Ramesh replied, "Well, I'm seeing and I'm thinking; where are you keeping the money for paying me?!"

Joke: Marriage Counselling

After being engaged, the couple was advised to go for premarital counselling.
The prospective bride said, "Oh, we don't need counselling, we have been married several times before!"

Joke: Innocent Miscommunication

The bus driver asked, "Is everyone aboard the bus?"
"No," shouted a young lady, "please wait until I get my clothes on."
Everyone turned their heads towards the door.
They saw a young woman wrestling a bag of laundry up the bus steps.

Joke: Crazy

Mrs. Smith: "What a surprise meeting you here at the psychiatrist's clinic! Are you coming or going?"
Mrs. Jones: "If I knew, I wouldn't be here!"

Joke: Politics

Politician's wife delivers triplets.
He tells the maternity ward nurse, "I demand a recount!"

Joke: Just Kidding

She asked her husband to describe her.
He said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, which means "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."
She smiled and asked, "What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

Joke: Horses

The Indian Chief introduced his wife to another chief, "This is my wife '3 horses'."
The other chief said that was a strange name for an Indian chief’s wife.
The first chief explained that it was short for her real name: "Nag Nag Nag."

Joke: Geography or History

The robbers rushed into the local KFC.
One with a the gun told the cashier, "Give all the money, or you're geography!"
The young cashier laughed, "You mean to say 'history'."
The criminal shouted, "Don't change the subject!"